Remembering Natalie: What Could Have Been...

Welcome to Remembering Natalie.

This blog has been created by us, Natalie's mom and sisters, to share with all of you, glimpses of her amazing 23 years of life.

This is not meant to be a sad look back . . . but more a way to tell her story and keep her memory as bright as her life was.

Our hope is that here, you'll find good doses of laughter, her great recipes,

our random thoughts and memories, and maybe a few tears.

We are not what you would call the "pro-active" type . . .

but this is our attempt to aid in the awareness of DVT and Factor V Leiden,

the conditions that ended her life here on earth.

We hope you'll check in every-so-often, and if you have any stories of her . . . please, do tell!

If you didn't know Natalie, get to know her by reading her story found at the bottom of the page . . .

So thanks for visiting & come back as often as you'd like!

23 May 2010

What Could Have Been...

It's true. Sometimes I have thoughts of "What could have been".

(I must confess...as Stefanie would say)

Is that wrong?

I hope that its normal...to wonder what life would be like

...if Natalie were still here

I know she would LOVE this...

each time I see it...I sit there with goose bumps

(you know you do too)

I imagine how much Natalie would LOVE the music...

Love....the story

..Glinda...OH my...Natalie was a Glinda if there EVER was one..

She was soooo good....with such a little bit of "Wicked"

...just enough to make you giggle...

Enough to leave

"a handprint on my heart"

4 comments:

Kandace Wittwer said...: Sherie -

It is sooooo normal to think about what could have been! I am always wondering and imagining what my little McKala would look and be like if she were still here today. I believe that this wondering keeps a piece of them constantly imprinted on our hearts! Thanks for the thought.; May 23, 2010
Kelly Stanworth said...: Wicked is seriously my FAVORITE!!! I always picture Natalie as a Glinda...kind, giggle, loved to dress up, clean, and upbeat.; May 24, 2010
Jean said...: Nothing wrong with that, I still think about what it would have been like, I love Natalie and miss her dearly!!!; May 31, 2010
Colleen said...: I just found your blog today when I was adding my son's picture to the Dixie High Memorial page. Natalie seems like an amazing girl. I am sorry for your loss. please feel free to stop by my blog heroesinheaven.blogspot.com. I help run a support group for parents who have lost children. Please contact me if you are interested in coming or even just emailing. colleenterrill@gmial.com.; June 02, 2010

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"It's a Girl"....October 6, 1979....(I already knew that)... and never had an ultrasound the whole 9 months I carried her. But there was a connection from the start, and I KNEW I was carrying a little bundle of pink!....When I had baby showers I would tell friends and family "I'm having a girl!"... I made sure they knew because back in 1979 we didn't know what we were having, and ultrasounds were saved for "problem" pregnancies and not to "find out" what we were having. All you ever got for baby gifts were yellow and green....yuck. All I wanted was cute, darling PINK things...and everyone thought I was nuts! Kent used to say, "You're going to be sorry when we bring home a boy."....(boy?) did I get the last laugh on that one!!

They layed this tiny 6lb 13oz bundle of pink with the blackest, thick, long hair you have ever seen on a newborn , and a teeny tiny button nose on my stomach....and that was it...LOVE at first sight. Who could have imagined the (Beautiful )woman she would grow up to be......stunning, breathtaking, with the darkest eyes, and poutiest lips you can imagine. Where did she get those? And she knew how to WORK them ....oh boy, did she ever know how to work them. Did she always get what she wanted? Um....without a doubt....you could never look at her eyes and that pout and ever say NO....

What I wouldn't give to see those eyes and see that pout one more time. I wonder if she uses them now, um, to get what she wants...oh, like "Please, can I just see and be around Noah a little longer?".......oh yeah...she gets her way every time.

Monday September 22,2003---

Natalie and Colby had just returned from a trip to Arizona to scope out a resturaunt that Colby was considering relocating to and managing. Natalie was 9 weeks pregnant with their second baby, and she was a nervous wreck to move away from home, away from me and her sisters. We are so close knit, we truely love being together, shopping together, eating out together...we are not only Mother and daughter(s) we are best friends. The thought of moving away truely "freaked her out" to put it mildly. I know she was worried about moving away and having a baby along with Noah by herself. It didn't matter how many times we told her, "We'll come see you all the time." It did not console her...she worried and worried. She was perhaps the queen of worry...always was, even from the time she was old enough to know what worrying was. This worrying I feel also contributed to her other health problems: her contant IBS, (this got to the point were she seriously could not eat or drink without it running on through...and yet her weight kept increasing), her weird episodes of itching and swelling and cold sweats and freezing...it was perplexing to say the least. They were all things we were going to get to the bottom of. She had an appointment made with an Endocrinologist and when they started running the blood tests is when they discovered she was pregnant with her second baby. We were informed that all tests would have to wait until after the baby was born. We never did find out what her other underlying health issues were.

Kent and I watched Noah over the weekend while Colby and Natalie went to Arizona....we loved watching him, and they needed the time away. I still vividly remember them coming to pick up Noah after being away for a couple of days and Natalie just couldn't wait to hold Noah and love him. I can picture her sitting on the floor in my bedroom telling me about their trip and the area....and she was still worried. She told me that her leg hurt, and she thought she might have a blood clot. She knew the symptoms all too well. She had had them before. As usual, to confirm she had a blood clot, she had to go to the hospital for an ultrasound to see the clot. So that is just what we did.
This time the clot was different than the others. The clot was in a "main" or "deep" vein, not a superficial vein. The choice was given to her to be hospitalized and put on a Heparin drip, or go home on strict bed rest and give herself Heparin injections. Natalie chose home and bedrest because she couldn't stand to be away from the two most important men in her life....Colby and Noah. Having just been away from Noah for the weekend, I think she just didn't want to leave him again, (there was the worrying again.) They gave her a prescription for a new blood thinning drug called Lovenox, and told her to fill it and use it instead of the Heparin. On the way home from the hospital, we stopped to fill the prescription but the pharmacy didn't have it. They stated that they would order it right away and have it as soon as possible.

Colby and I worked out the details of how we were going to take care of her and Noah. Colby changed his shift at Cafe Rio to work the late shift each day so that he would be home to care for Natalie and Noah during the day while I was at work. Then I would leave work at 3:00 each day and head to their house to trade places with Colby, so he could go to work.
Tuesday September 23rd
........This was our first day on Natalie's bedrest schedule. Colby, of course, had the house spotless! He is the man...he perhaps is a better housekeeper than most women! He also is the best Dad, and made a great nurse! He made sure Natalie never left the couch or the bed (other than potty breaks). Still no Lovenox...he had called the pharmacy all day, and it still had not come in. I came on schedule @ 3:00 so Colby could get to work, and I fixed Natalie her favorite dinner, stuffed green peppers and Rice. -K- just a side note here....Natalie LOVED rice. I know it might seem funny, but rice is one of those things that makes me think of Natalie.--- While she layed on the couch, I played with Noah...and all was good. Natalie called Stefanie (or Stef called Nat ?), who at the time was living in SLC where Reagan was attending the University of Utah. They talked and talked for the longest time. Stefanie still, to this day, recounts the conversation they had that night. She cherishes it.
During the course of that night, Natalie kept calling the pharmacy to check on the Lovenox, and still it had not come in. I asked her if she was still doing the Heparin injections, and she stated "No, they want me to wait for the Lovenox."
I know that the clot was getting bigger.
I stayed with Natalie and Noah until Colby returned home late and went home to start the same routine again the next day.

Wednesday September 24, 2003 ~Natalie goes home~

I remember going to work and thinking it felt like Fall...my very most favorite time of year...when the air is crisp, but not cold and it has a smell...a crisp fall smell...I LoVe Fall! I remember calling Natalie to see how everything was, how Noah was, and to do the usual Mom thing and make sure she was in bed, and not getting up....and to check if the Lovenox had come in or not. It hadn't...I was worried, and remember telling her, "We need to call somewhere else, and do SOMETHING because I just know the clot is getting bigger." Colby assured me that he had called and checked everywhere, and all was being done that could be done to get the Lovenox. Finally, around afternoon the Lovenox came in. Colby picked it up the second they called to let him know it was there.....

The baby...Natalie was worried about the health of the baby more than herself. She opened the package of Lovenox and got out all the papers and started reading the contradictions, the side effects, ALL of it, (there's that worry syndrome again). She called me at work to read to me the part that stated "do not take if pregnant".......I assured her that the Dr.'s know what they are doing and they wouldn't prescribe something that would harm the baby. She was so worried that it was going to harm the baby. I told her to call the Doctors office and express her concerns. She did, and never got past the nurse who expressed to her that taking Lovenox while pregnant was completely safe. She called me again, at work, to tell me what the nurse had told her. She didn't like the answer and was upset, crying...still so worried about the baby. I told her that she was in charge of her own body and if she felt that strongly about it to call the Doctors office again and tell them her concerns.

She called me again. I remember it being around 2:00 or so in the afternoon...she was still upset, worried about the baby, and she said through tears "I'll just do it, but I don't want to. I just don't want to.".....if there is one thing that replays in my mind, to this day, it is the fact that she knew something was wrong...

My phone rang at work perhaps 5 -6 minutes after hanging up from that last conversation with Natalie --this time it was Colby. In a panicked voice--"Sherie, Natalie passed out!"....Me: "What do you mean she passed out?"--- Colby: "We were lying on the bed together, and she passed out!"----Me: "Is she still out?"---"YES" -"Colby call 911"-- "I already did. Please hurry, please come here"-- "I'm on my way"--

I ran to my car and started on my way. I remember thinking, "Should I go to the hospital and meet them there, or should I go to their house?"..."to their house", was my first thought. I started praying...no pleading..."Please Heavenly Father, let her be alright"...and while I was pleading....I stopped pleading...and my prayer changed to "Please Heavenly Father, whatever thy will is....help us to handle whatever it is"... I knew that this something was much worse than "passing out"... just as I knew...she was a girl...before I ever met her.

I saw a firetruck, ambulance, and police car, all in front of Colby and Natalie's darling home. I ran in....to find Colby standing there, holding Noah... I saw a huddle of EMT's around Natalie on the floor...It was quiet---one of them looked at me. I remember the look on his face was one of despair....I remember that there didn't seem to be a feeling of rushing to get her out of there. They were quietly working on Natalie...the officer wouldn't allow me to go closer---then they put Natalie on a stretcher, and started to wheel her out...they remained completely circled around her...I could see nothing but her feet... they were blue. I remember seeing her blue feet and thinking --she is already gone. I knew it.

I took Noah from Colby and told him to go with her in the ambulance, and I would be right behind him. He didn't have a shirt on--"Colby, you need to put a shirt on"..they were gone -- but no sirens, I don't remember them using the sirens... I stood there for a second in the house, in shock, not knowing what to do first, and right then Kent walked in the front door -- he had fear in his eyes--everything had happened so quickly that neither Colby or I had called Kent. He had no idea what had happened or what was going on, he said he just had a feeling that he needed to go to Natalie's house, and he came. I said, "She's on her way to the hospital, she's unconscious."

When they put us in a "quiet room" and assigned us a social worker, I was mad. I didn't want to go a "quiet room"--I knew why we were being taken there--this was bad, and this was serious. There we were, our family, Colby's family, Colby and Noah waiting for someone to come to talk to us. It seemed like forever--

Natalie returned home that day...back to her Heavenly Father, beyond the veil.

Life will never be the same without Natalie here with us. But how thankful we are that we were lucky enough to have her here for 23 incredible years. What a blessing Noah is to all of us. We see her in him. You look in his eyes and feel almost as if you are looking into hers. He is a gift that reminds us everyday, how precious life is. Where is Heaven? Not very far, for we sense Natalie close by each and every day. Not a day goes by that something does not remind me of her...what a gift that is...it brings me joy and I smile. We do not question why she was taken from all of us here in our mortal existence. We know that it was her time and that it is all part of our Heavenly Father's plan. We simply know that she was needed there more.

It is my hope that you will find joy in what we post on this blog....Natalie's blog...if she were here she would have so much fun with this blogging world. So between Stefanie, Melanie and myself...we will do it for her.

Forever, I love the word. I know that we will be together forever, that Natalie is ours forever. I know that Natalie, Colby and Noah are a forever family.

Here is NOW and there is FOREVER....we are living for "now" and we are living so that we will be together forever---until that day, we continue to love you Natalie.

23 May 2010

What Could Have Been...

4 comments:

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