What can I give you?

I've made my Christmas list. I love making my list and checking it off as I scurry around buying for everyone. Except {you} are painfully absent from my list of gift giving. I struggle with this "list" thing every year...as I write each persons name and what I'm going to give them, {your} name is absent. What do I give to you? ...to someone who I love so much, someone whom I loved shopping with, and shopping for...

Somehow decorating your grave doesn't seem like enough. I try to make it "fabulous"...I know you would like my big fufu loopie bows with streamers that flow in the wind...sparkly ribbons and accessories...but do you know that I want to buy you new clothes?.... cute things for your house?...a new piece to your village? a new cookbook?...a darling rose headband for your hair? {do you know these are popular right now?}...all these things and more I miss writing on a list next to your name..{which by the way means "Christmas"....}

What can I give you Natalie?.... I know it's not the ribbon or the sparkles, or the darling accessories...or even any monetary gift that can be purchased from a store, wrapped with a fabulous bow on it... ..a simple Christmas song reminded me of this with the same question asked of what to give The "baby" lying in a manger...the answer "I'll give Him my heart".

So I'll take a lesson from this and from the Grinch that Christmas comes without the packages and bows...it comes from the heart. Winnie the Pooh always has the best way of putting it..."If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”

I'm going to add your name to my Christmas list..and next to it I will simply write ..."my heart".

Love you, miss you, Merry Christmas Natalie

Never truer words...

I love this qoute from Sis. Marjorie Hinckley...it say's exactly how I feel!

{I've added a darling button on my side bar just for a constant reminder} you can add it to by going here.



"The only way to get through this life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache"
marjorie pay hinckley



Just reading this makes me smile...

Did I ever say Thank You?

November always brings about feelings of gratitude for me...what am I thankful for?....I've thought about doing this post for a lonnnnng time, and I think this is the right time..to {finally} do it.

When I think back to all the many acts of kindness that were shown to us when Natalie passed away...I always feel so bad that I was so....{not with it} enough to have properly "Thanked" everyone for {everything}

In thinking back, most of the hours, days and weeks...well, lets face it "months" that followed Natalie's death are a blur...mostly spent learning to "breathe in...breathe out".... and I know for a fact...looking back, I did not write a Thank You note. A proper, little folded in half, Thank You note...and I have major {guilt} over that ALL the time.

First of all I remember that the little note cards the funeral home gave us to use were..well, ugly and I remember thinking...they weren't Thank You worthy and couldn't possibly convey the depth of thanks that I wanted to write in them...Secondly I remember time and time again thinking about sitting down to write thank you notes and being so overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of how many people I wanted to thank, that I simply did not know where to start. Thirdly, when I would try to put into words how thankful I was, I would end up in a blubbery mess, and couldn't make it through one note let alone hundreds which brings me now to... Fourthly{is that a word?}...here I am 6 years later having not written one, and wanting to make that right. Now, if I did write you a thank you note...I seriously don't remember doing it..remind me if I did. I'll be so proud of myself!

So this post is my Thank YOU...my sincere gratitude for all the many acts of kindnessess.. I want to list them ALL, which of course would be impossible. Perhaps I will have to do this again on another post as my memory allows. The only thing that I fear...is that I will forget somebody and that will bring another round of {guilt}...but know that deep inside we have NEVER forgot ANY acts of kindness that were shown to us... the following{few} are just the very tiny TIP of what my 6 yr. old memory can replay for now. I may not remember all the names, but my heart remembers ALL the love~{i'm only using first names...you know who you are}
Today I am filled with gratitude for:
~Jana and LeAnn who seconds after hearing the news, arranged emergency flights for my mother, Stefanie and Reagan to be here
~Mark for the priesthood blessings that carried us through, comforted us and allowed us to stand
~Michelle for holding the pieces together and being there for anything that was needed
~Carol the emergency room nurse who afterward told me that she had never seen a spirit fight so hard to "stay"
~Dr. Ott whom I know did all he could for Natalie..and more...I am thankful
~Patty for dropping everything, and making the long drive within minutes of hearing...and doing what best friends do. The hugs, tears and listening, taking care of my house, laundry and anything else that needed to be done.
~Dave & Helen, amazing friends who very first thing the morning after, were at our door with a full breakfast making sure we were fed and taken care of from the begining...
~Cafe Rio for the amazing respect they had for Colby, enough to close their doors on a busy Saturday afternoon to attend Natalie's funeral. I still remember the many employees from Cafe Rio that came to the viewing and funeral. It still amazes me. They also provided a meal for us that was so appreciated
~Ryan ...for the "Chili's" Chips and Salsa...I still remember vividly my family sitting at our kitchen counter one evening eating them and reminising.
~Bill from Pizza Factory...for the many, many nights of free meals that saved me time and time again when I couldn't find it in me to cook.
~Greg from Croshaw pies...for the many pies that we enjoyed with our family
~Jennifer and Nancy for an amazing meal and love and support that only friends can bring
~Kay for yummy homemade chicken fingers...that were and still are talked about to this day
~Gary for telling me to take all the time I needed
~Diane for the many phone calls, days and weeks after letting me just talk and share my feelings..and listening
~For the Dixie High students who came and encircled us with love and comfort by singing to us..and Natalie. This was perhaps the most profound act of kindness that we will never, never forget
~Mr. Spilsbury for taking such good care of Natalie's body..she looked angelic and beautiful. For making such a hard situation, such a spiritual one. And for his wife for sharing with me that she could feel Natalie near watching over her body...this comforted me so much.
~Jill, for being my sister, and doing ALL that only a sister can do.
~Debbie for the strength to sing an amazing song for Natalie at her funeral..that I still can hear to this day
~Annie for being a best friend and loving and taking care of Noah the day of the funeral


Flowers and Food, Thoughts and Prayers, Love and Hugs....
Did I ever say Thank You?

7 Things We Love about You!

Happy 7th Birthday Noah !

{7} years ago you came into this world . . .



and we were in 7th heaven!


Here are {7} things we love about you . . .
1. Your eyes...big and brown with a twinkle!
2. Your smile..wide and bright..with a hint of mischeif!
3. Your hair...spikey and straight..with a couple of twists!
4. Your {tender} heart...bigger than most
5. Your "papa~kent~ness"....a little mini version of the original!
6. Your spirit... how were we so lucky.. simply a joy to be around
7. Your amazing ability to {MELT} our hearts!
We LOVE you Noah...Happy 7th Birthday....

Recipe for a Happy Birthday

It's Mommy Natalie's birthday today. She would be 30 years old today! Here is how to make her favorite dessert. Score Trifle!

First make chocolate pudding...

Then bake a chocolate cake in a sheet pan, and cut it into small pieces.

Make sure to taste it so you know it's yummy!

Then layer the cake, pudding, whipping cream, caramel sauce and super yummy toffee candy in a big bowl

Make sure it looks pretty when your all done!

It's important to remember Mommy Natalie on her birthday, she likes it when I visit the cemetery and bring flowers, balloons and fun things. I am big enough that I can read the words on her headstone. This poem tells me that she loves me and will always be close by me.

My hands were so small when Mommy Natalie returned to Heavenly Father. I like to measure my hands to remind me of how small I was, and how big I am getting. I know that Mommy Natalie is so proud of me.

Happy Birthday Natalie ~ We love you!

A picture is worth "more" than a thousand words ~

A picture is worth more than a thousand words.

All I know is that for me, a picture is worth far more

than any words ever written could mean.

Melanie called me tonight and asked me for a picture of Natalie...she wanted any picture different than the pictures that she already has. And the realization for us came that all the pictures of Natalie we have...are all the pictures we are ever going to have.

I took her scrapbook off the shelf and saw these pictures...some I remember seeing and some I don't. And for a moment, they were new pictures for me...except that Noah is now ever so close to being 7 years old instead of the tiny baby in her arms.

Her smile, her eyes, her hair on her shoulders...her hands. I remember them perfectly. And in pictures perfectly she will stay...forever 23, forever young, forever with tiny Noah in her arms.

As I try to wrap my head around 6 years without her...

I am ever so thankful for the 24 that I had with her.

A picture is worth MORE than a thousand words..

for when I look at these pictures..

there are no words,

not even a thousand,

that can express how they make me feel

Picture me thankful ~ I love you Natalie

September again ~

Most mark a year gone by in January....

not for me.

Every year when September comes is when I begin a new year.

[Another year that I can't believe has gone by]

Everything begins to change in September...the air gets crisp in the morning and evening...it is something I look forward to every year.

it IS better than Christmas.

This is my most favorite time of year.

If I could, I would find a place that is always like fall

[like Hawaii is always like summer]

is there a place that is always like fall? ...if there is, I'm there.

You would think that losing Natalie

in September

in the fall

in my most very favorite time of the year

would make me dread autumn.

The opposite is true.

For me ....when the air gets crisp and the leaves begin to change

and that wonderful smell of fall is in the air....

I feel closer to heaven than any other time of the year.

I feel closer to Natalie than any other time of the year.

Autumn has a feeling

It is warm and cozy

It is home and family

For me ~ it is where heaven and earth meet in the middle

My year begins again